TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Sure, positive, let's have One more position wherever American Adult males can wear robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: supply Everybody a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It is that he should really stop making use of it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the task, replied, "You are aware of, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Room, a feature remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following getting the constructing's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "When you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "in which's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting attention from Global investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree may even include:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel in which my PTSD can have turn-down services."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers get worried the tower could Trump Tower Damascus spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

Report this page